


Pyrrhic Victory

by DAgron01



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 08:37:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15433149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAgron01/pseuds/DAgron01
Summary: Octavia learned the hard way that winning at such a high cost was basically losing.Canon through The Dark Year.





	Pyrrhic Victory

They did it. She marched what was left of her people to the valley. Her army won. And in the aftermath of their triumph, she was relinquished of her duties. A new commander was chosen. The last of mankind believed that Madi would usher in peace for them all. And Octavia was given amnesty, for whatever that was worth. Because truly, what did peace even look like for her now?

Peace was the only thing she had truly wanted for so long. Every soldier--every warrior--longs for peace. That’s what they fight for. They fight so that others don’t have to. She willingly bore that burden so that others wouldn’t have to. She took their choice. She killed for them. She bled for them. She did it all so that they could survive. So that, eventually, they could find peace and sleep at night. So that they didn’t have to suffer with ghosts of those they lost. Of those whose lives were hers to protect---of those she failed. And now, with no one left to fight--she was stuck living with herself. With what she had done.

Octavia only truly cared about a couple dozen people her entire life. Her mother, Lincoln, Jasper, Cooper and Ilian were dead. Bellamy, Indra, Clarke, and Gaia tried to kill her. And Abby, Kane, Monty, Harper and Raven wouldn’t even look at her now. She lost everything to save her people. And now she lost her people. She was a warrior without a war. A leader with no one to lead. A daughter without a mother. A little sister without a brother. A mentee with no mentor. She had no friends. And no purpose. She had lost her soul and her mind.

No one ever told her that surviving was meaningless if she had to live with herself afterward. Clarke should have told her. Not that she would have listened. She wasn’t ready, at the time, to listen. She’s not sure she’s ready now. 

It had been easy to blame Clarke for TonDC. And for Mount Weather. When in reality, she now understood, they weren’t all that different. Both had done what they thought was right to save their people. And both will have to forever live with it. 

As she contemplated her existence, she sat alone in the plot of land designated for her. If she chose to stay. If she felt welcomed or deserving enough to stay. She idly wondered if there was anyone left who would want her to stay. And as if on cue, Clarke sat down beside her. Octavia felt her presence even before she spoke, yet she refused to acknowledge her at all.

“My mom told me what happened in the bunker.” Clarke stated as if that was enough of a reason to bother Octavia in her solitude.

Octavia huffed and rolled her eyes, although she looked straight ahead and not at the blonde. “You already tried to kill me, Clarke. And as if that wasn’t enough, you still feel the need to come over here and judge me, too?”

Her tone was bitter, but lacked any true emotion because Octavia had given up on attempting to feel anything for a very long time. She wasn’t sure she even knew how to anymore. Octavia hadn’t been being dramatic or glib when she told Bellamy that she was already dead. She felt empty and beyond exhausted.

Clarke didn’t seem bothered by Octavia’s hostility. “I told Madi so many stories...about everyone. All the heroic things you did to save us.”

Great. Not only was she judging her. But now Clarke was rubbing salt in the wound by telling her how disappointed she was in her. How she was Madi’s hero and how the little girl, who took her place as leader, now thinks that Octavia is a Grade A psycho. She didn’t need to hear this. Not from Clarke. Not now. 

She attempted to stand up, but Clarke reached out to make her stay. That was when Octavia finally looked at the other girl, as Clarke stared at her with pleading eyes. With a sigh of resignation, Octavia nodded for her to continue and steeled herself to sit and take it.

“I told her almost everything about our time here on Earth...everything but my part in everything. Because I was ashamed of what I had done to save us. She idolized all of you. You’re her heroes. And I didn’t think I could stomach her idolizing me in such a way, because I felt like anything but a hero.” Clarke admitted as she reached over and took one of Octavia’s hands in her own. “I think, looking back, that I was more scared of her seeing me as the villain though. I think that’s why I never told her. So as much as I originally wanted to judge you or hate you or whatever...I know I’ve done far worse. And honestly, the more I think about it, I think I would have done the same thing you did.”

Octavia released a shaky breath. She didn’t realize how much she wanted someone to understand. To forgive her. Or how much she needed it. And for it to be Clarke, it somehow made it better.

Her eyes fell to their linked hands. It had been so long since she felt the simple warmth of someone else’s touch. Probably even longer since she was on the receiving end of an act of kindness. It made her feel safe and cared for. She thought back to the last time she and Clarke had a proper conversation; when Clarke had saved her life and was taking care of her wounds. It seemed like forever ago, and yet, it wasn’t all that long ago. How had everything gone so wrong, so fast? What happened to them? To all of them?

Clarke must have assumed that Octavia’s lingering stare was due to discomfort, so she attempted to pull her hand away. But Octavia stopped her retreat. Clarke smiled hesitantly and squeezed her hand in understanding,

“I left after Mount Weather, because I was unable to look into the faces of the people I was forced to kill for. It hurt to have that daily reminder of what I had done to keep them alive. But you...you had nowhere to escape to, Octavia. I understand  why you  _ needed  _ to leave the bunker. I thought it was due to...you know…”

She trailed off. But Octavia did know.

“The girl under the floor. It appears that is forever my destiny.”

“I’m sorry that you had to go through all of that alone, Octavia. Without Bellamy, or any of your friends.”

Octavia chanced a glance at the blonde. “You say that like you weren’t one of my best friends.”

“I know that things had...changed between us...I knew where I stood. I wasn’t your favorite person and I gave you plenty of reasons to hate me.”

Octavia looked away from Clarke as she spoke words she never thought she’d have the chance to say. “I admired you so much, Clarke. I never told you that. You meant a lot to me, that’s why it always hurt so bad when you let me down. But I should have never had you on a pedestal like that. I see that now. But we’re not all that different. I see that, too.”

Clarke released her hand and wrapped her arms around herself as she hugged herself tightly. She rocked a bit back and forth and looked out into the horizon as let Octavia’s words wash over her. Perhaps, she needed someone to understand just as much as Octavia had. Octavia, however, couldn’t take her eyes off the other girl now that the focus was off of herself. She studied her fondly.

They sat in silence for a while, the comfortable kind. Octavia waited for Clarke to speak again, but after several failed attempts, Octavia finally took pity on the girl and filled the silence herself.

“I’m sorry about Madi. You and I were both too young to shoulder the burden of our people, and she’s even younger than we were. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.” Octavia admitted. “The only consolation is that she inherited peace, whatever that will look like. And that’s so much more than we ever had.”

Clarke nodded with a faraway look in her eyes. “She may be young, but she has the wisdom of all of the commanders. I’ve seen it. She sounds a lot like Lexa. And she knows things...things about me, about what happened, that only Lexa could have known. It frustrates me, and it breaks my heart all at once.”

Octavia couldn’t imagine that kind of daily reminder--that kind of continual pain.

“But, she’s also a young, teenage girl who can be a constant pain in my ass.” Clarke complained fondly in a way that brought a small smile to even Octavia’s face.

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you had each other, Clarke. And she could do worse than you for a mentor.”

Clarke bumped Octavia’s shoulder softly with her own as her smile settled into a smirk.

“Gee, thanks.”

“It was meant as a compliment.”

“I know.”

Octavia sighed loudly. “How did things get so wrong? All the hurt...the betrayal. Somewhere along the way...we lost ourselves.” She shook her head. “I started out trying to save people. To save everyone. I wanted as many people in that bunker as possible--and that is what ended up killing so many. The food shortages. The pits. And everything that came after. I just wanted to help people. How did I get from wanting to do something good...to you, Bellamy and Indra wanting me dead?”

Sure, it was said that the road to hell was paved with the best of intentions, but knowing that did her no good now. She tried to keep the tears at bay, and the pain out of her voice. But she failed spectacularly. Beyond fighting over who was right and who was wrong...it had somehow become personal. And being betrayed---no matter how far she had fallen or how much they may have thought she deserved it at the time---it hurt like hell. 

“Octavia…” Clarke noticeably struggled for words.

Octavia didn’t want the other girl’s pity. Nor did she want some cheap words or stupid anecdote. She wasn’t sure what she wanted. She felt Clarke’s soft hand on her shoulder and she shrugged it away.

“I don’t need your apologies or your tears. And don’t try to give me hope, Clarke...I’ve got no room left for it.”

Clarke, rather than backing off and giving up, scooted closer to Octavia and rested her head on the brunette’s shoulder. Then she picked up Octavia’s hand again, and laced their fingers together.

“I once tried to kill Lexa...or thought I wanted to. Bellamy, too. So, don’t take it too personally.” 

She tried to lighten the mood and Octavia was grateful for it. But it still wasn’t the answer she was searching for.

“We’ve all hurt each other. We’d done things to save people we love. And we’ve all been on the wrong side of an impossible choice. But also, none of us are irredeemable. We can’t be. I need to believe that forgiveness is possible. And I know there are times that you disagreed with me...and hated me. I can also guarantee, that never once did you hate me more than I hated myself. So honestly, I think the hardest part of our journey is yet to come.”

Octavia raised an eyebrow as Clarke caught her eye.

“With no one left to fight...we must learn to live, Octavia. And that has to start with forgiving each other, and ourselves.

“I don’t know if I know how.” Octavia admitted with barely a whisper.

“The good news is that we now have all the time in the world?”

Octavia’s eyebrows skyrocketed in surprise. “How much time are you talking here?”

Clarke regarded her strangely. “Why? Do you have anywhere else to be?”

She shook her head and rested her free hand on their linked ones. “I guess not.”

The blonde faced her more fully and told her seriously. “We can learn how to live together, Octavia. Neither of us will have to be alone again.”

And maybe she told Clarke that she had no room left to hope. But staring into those sincere blue eyes, she felt a flutter of something inside. A sign of life, as it were. Perhaps, this was what peace looked like. And if so, it’s no wonder that it was what she so desperately longed for.

**Author's Note:**

> My heart breaks for these two. And I just can't get poor Octavia out of my head. She needs a hug.


End file.
